I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are various. But after being married for five years, and my wife having had five children, I have now come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

When I got married, I was advised to use the "Rhythm Method". But despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha.

Later a doctor suggested using the "Safe Period". At this time we were living with our In-laws, and had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this did not work either.....

I asked a Chemist about the "Sheath". The Chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. Again my wife fell pregnant, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how one of those things stretched over my thumb, as the chemist showed me would prevent babies.

Than my wife was supplied with a "Coil", and after several hours trying to fit it, we realized she had been given a left-hand thread and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The "Dutch Cap" came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but unfortunately it gave my wife severe headaches.. We specially asked for the largest size available - but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the "Pill". At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started crossing her legs thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This worked for a while until the night she had cramp - and I didn't.....

You must appreciate my problem, Doctor, If this operation is not possible I will have to revert to oral sex, although I don't think just talking about it can ever be a substitute for the real thing.