To My Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.
Came home drunk and tried to stuff the cat 7 times
Didn’t come home at all 29 times
Didn’t come 14 times
Came too soon 29 times
Went too soft before you got it in 18 times
Toes in a cramp 9 times
Working late 49 times
You said you had a rash, probably from the toilet seat 21 times
In a fight, somebody kicked you in the balls 4 times
Caught it in your zip 6 times
Got a cold your nose keeps running 14 times
Brewers Droop 95 times
Your tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger 4 times
Lost the notion after thinking about it all day 13 times
Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 8 times
Of the times we did get together, the reasons I lay still was because you missed and were stuffing the sheet. I wasn’t talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was "would you prefer it on my back or with me kneeling".
The times you felt me move was because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned alcoholics anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.