You can hear his knackers pound as he raced across the ground,

The clatter of his prick as it swung round and round,

As he galloped into Market Street he had no pants or vest,

His name was Ernie and he had the biggest chopper in the west.

Now Ernie fucked a widow, a lady known as Sue,

She said she’d like to try it, he said I bet you do,

They said she was too big for him cos he had it twice a week,

But Ernie smashed his chopper right across her feet,

His name was Ernie and he had the biggest chopper in the west.

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil fucking man,

Called One Ball Ted from Teddington who drove the Durex Van,

He tempted her with his Featherlite till he got his evil way,

And all Ernie had to offer was her cats three times a day,

Poor Ernie and he had the biggest chopper in the west.

One day Ted saw Ernie’s car outside her door

It drove him mad to find the twat still there at half past four,

Poor Ted he could not stand it, it made the bastard sick,

So he smashed all Ernie’s windows with a great big fucking brick.

So Ernie ran outside, his eyes fixed on the brick

They stood there face to face and Ted went for his prick,

But Ernie was too fast for him, things didn’t go the way Ted planned,

And a hairy sweaty bollock sent it spinning from his hand.

Sue she ran between them and tried to keep them apart

But Ernie said "fuck off you silly looking tart."

As she looked up in sheer disgust

A size ten spunk ball made him fall, and Ernie bit the dust.

Ernie was only 22 he didn’t want to die,

But now he’s fucking women in that brothel in the sky.

Where there are not any virgins he fucked them all by force,

And the syph he had in his left knacker got from bad to worse.

But a women’s needs are manifold, so Sue she slept with Ted,

But strange things happened on, that night as they fucked in her bed,

Was that the trees a rustling or maybe even more

Like Ernie’s fucking ghostly chopper a banging on the door,

They won’t forget Ernie cos he had the biggest chopper in the west.