My Dearest John,

I went to the door today and the Postman had for me, a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift darling, thank you for the wonderful thought.

With deep love and affection always,

Your loving

Agnes xxxxx

December l5th

Dearest John,

Today the Postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtle doves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love,

Yours,

Agnes xxxxx

December l6th

Dear John,

Oh how extravagant you really are, I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French hens. I insist you are too kind.

Love,

Agnes xxxxx

December l7th

Dear John,

Yet another present, this time 4 calling birds. You really are spoiling me.

Love,

Agnes xxxx

December l8th

Dearest John,

What a surprise, today the Postman brought me 5 Golden Rings one for every finger. You really are impossible, but I love you. Frankly all those birds are beginning to get on my nerves with their constant squawking.

Your ever loving Agnes xxx

December l9th

Dear John,

When I opened the door this morning there were 6 bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front doorstep. So we're back with the birds again. Where on earth do you suppose I can keep them all? The neighbours say they can smell them and I can't sleep for the noise. Bloody stop. Cordially,

Agnes

December 20th

John,

What's with the calling Birds???

Now I've got swans a swimming. Is this some sort of goddam joke or what? The house is full of bird's shit and the racket! I'm becoming a nervous wreck. It's not funny, stop sending bloody birds.

Agnes

December 2lst

O.K. Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking. It's not enough with all those birds, now I have 8 cows shitting all over the house and mooring all night.

Lay off smart arse.

Agnes

December 22nd

Dear Shithead,

What are you, some kind of nut? Now I have 9 pipers playing, and Christ do they play. When they ain't playing their sodding pipes they're chasing the maids through the cow's shit. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

You'll get yours,

Agnes

December 23rd

You Rotten Bastard,

Now we have 10 ladies dancing. How the hell anyone can call those whores "Ladies" is beyond me. They are calling the pipers all night long, the cows can't sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit and the Landlords have just declared the building unfit.

Piss Off,

Agnes

December 24th

Listen Twothead,

With 11 Lords a leaping all over the maids the ladies and me, we may never walk again! The pipers are fighting the Lords for the crumpet and committing buggery with the cows, all the birds are dead and rotting amongst the cow's shit after being tramped during the orgy, but not before they had eaten my gold rings. I hope you're satisfied you rotten vicious shithouse.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes