As from 1 January 2000 Sex as we know it will be banned and replaced with the new European Standard (5678960).

A recent survey shows that there is a difference between member states.

The French do it more often (The lorry drivers have nothing else to-do!), The Germans plan it with military precision.

This has got to stop. Under the new laws the employer will have to arrange a Government approved Code of Practice.

This must take into account the following guidelines:

  1. Frequency

  2. Time to complete task

  3. Satisfaction value (if any)

  4. Positions used

  5. Locations used

A permit to bonk must be issued from the employer. This will be issued in blocks of five and the number issued will depend on age and fitness. The permits must have a recent photo. All units must be used in full.

Sex will now be replaced with a Standard European Bonk Unit (SEBU). As from next year a quickie will no longer be permitted. It will be replaced with a ½SEBU. This must be booked three weeks in advance.

In order from be to produce Our code of practice I will need to know how many units you require? The standard unit must comply with the following guidelines:

An approved position book will be issued and positions 1-99 can be used, positions 100 upwards are for threesomes.

Please supply any useful data which I can write into our code. Any written material with drawings, video’s or practical demonstrations will be acceptable.

Any person who is not able to be provided with a suitable partner may be interested in the NatWest Bank "Guide to Successful Bonking" which includes helpful tips on ‘Manual Handling’ and ‘How to avoid Repetitive Strain Injury’

 

Dick Head

Health Officer